I was raised to be seen and not heard. I was an only child for a long time so I spent a lot of time with adults. It was easier for my parents to take me with them than to find a baby-sitter. As a result, I learned to listen and act appropriately. The consequences were not pretty if I didn't obey.

When I became a mom, I wanted people to enjoy the presence of my children instead of dread it. That meant I would have to take the time and energy to consistently communicate my expectations of how I wanted them to conduct themselves. There were many times I found a corner for Taylor to stand in at a restaurant in order to follow through on the expectation I had set for him.

It wasn't long until I could take my kids anywhere. Everyone once and a while I would have to reinforce a rule or expectation but for the most part, they were well-behaved.

I share this not to brag or boast. Neil and I put a lot of time into the process of setting our expectations, rewarding the good , and providing consequences for the not-so-good. We both knew that if we paid our dues when they were little, they would have the tools they need when they grew to handle themselves well in the presence of potential bosses and in-laws.

Let me encourage you to make their behavior a priority. I know it is tiring, frustrating, and even boring at times. Nevertheless, by making their behavior a proprity, you will enjoy your children more as they get older and so will others. Teaching children to submit to authority is important because if you want them to ever become strong leaders, they must first learn how to be great followers, This season of life where you are teaching them discipline and obudnaries will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

Investing in this area today will have long term benefits. Hang in there and know you, as well as your children, will one day appreciate the sacrifice of time and love you gave to teach them how to live a disciplined life.

Always,

Catherine

I know this sounds odd but here is my question: What do you expect from your kids?

Over the years it has been confirmed again and again that children rise to whatever level of expectation we have of them. I know it sounds simple and maybe even boring to contemplate but I want to challenge you to think on this for a while.

Our children often know how we think before we connect the dots. They recognize when we lower our belief in them, when we expect less, and when we have given up. They are incredibly sensitive to our reactions which is why we need to really pay attention to how we handle their difficult times. They will often make interpretations about things that we may not have intended. They will harbor these thoughts in their little hearts and never share their fears, hurts, or worries that we are disappointed in them.

It never hurts to ask your children what they think about your belief about them. They may have to be over the age of 6 or 7 to really respond with thought. Just be sure that you listen to what they say without being defensive or judgmental. This will open the door for them to be truthful with you the next time you ask important questions.

Believe the best, even when what you see doesn't appear to look like it. Remember that we need to place our faith in our God, who knows our children best of all. Faith is believing in not what we see but what we believe before it happens.

Always,

Catherine

Every once and a while something will frost my flakes and I have to say something. Well, first time obedience is that subject today.

Whether I am in the grocery store, with a group of families, or simply having dinner at a restaurant, the issue of children obeying their parents is an issue. So many times I observe moms asking their children to obey. "Heather, would you please sit in your seat?" is one of my favorite lines. In this situation, the mom thinks she is telling the child to obey a command which in reality, she is giving her a choice to obey. I find that was not the mom's intention but to a child, that is the outcome because the phrase mom used to give her the instruction left the child an option as to whether she could do what mom asked.

This may sound as if I am splitting hairs but this is a common error in our communication as moms. When we give a direction, it needs to be clear with no options when we are attempting to discipline an unacceptable behavior.

Another favorite tool moms use is the 1,2,3 method of discipline. " Tommy, I am going to count to 3 and by the time I get there, you better have obeyed me!" Explain to me why counting to 3 is appropriate? If the child is standing in the street and they have to wait to 3 to obey you, that child is in trouble if there is an oncoming car.

When I look at scripture, I see where slow obedience is no obedience. I think children need to learn we are not talking to hear ourselves talk. When you speak, your children need to know there is purpose in it and they need to pay attention to your instructions. A mom is never to be ignored.

If you do the 1,2,3 routine, you will be tired at the end of the day and want nothing to do with your children. It is also important to note that other people are not interested in spending time around your children if they do not obey. I wanted my children to have the capacity to sit in the presence of kings and presidents and I knew the only way that would be possible was if I insisted on first time obedience.

Initially, the children won't like it and you will be tired of having to be the bad guy. But if you take care a this matter now, you will enjoy your journey so much more. This lesson learned will more likely make them more responsible people when they are older.

Always,

Catherine

Edited: 06/27/2009 at 06:02 AM by catherine.hickem

Too often I hear moms talk about how mature their children are. I think it is wonderful when children think through their actions and decisions in the younger years of life.

What concerns me is this trend where parents attribute maturity to children that is unrealistic as well as dangerous. A five year old child will never have the ability to think at the level of a ten year old. To treat them as such is going to hurt the child because they do not have the capacity to handle the life circumstances that will come their way.

My goal as a mom was for my children to enjoy the age the were in currently. I didn't want them to rush their lives away wanting to be older than the moment they were experiencing. It is wonderful for kids to make good choices and decisions but we need to remember that the goal of childhood is to learn, grow, explore, and allow curiosity to be a part of life.

One of the most significant gifts we can give our children and teens is for them to know we understand mistakes are a part of life and they can make them on our watch. Treating them with the expectation they are so mature may take some of the opportunities away from them they need to discover who they are and what they believe.

Every once in a while it is helpful to pick up a book on development and see where your children are in emotional, social, and intellectual maturity. Intentional moms are always growing moms. Be sure you stay on top of who your children are, not simply where you think they should be.

Always,

Catherine

I was recently talking with several of my colleagues the other day and we were discussing moms and the relationship they have with their children. We all agreed that there were some wonderful moms out there, working hard to be the best mom possible.

We also were deeply concerned about a growing part of the mom population that seems to be stuck in adolescence and it shows up when their kids reach that stage. How do we know such a thing?

When a mom takes her daughter to get a belly ring or a tattoo, then we have a mom who has ceased to be a mom and has become her friend. I am not speaking of generatio x moms but of baby boomers. Fifteen and 16 year old girls going with mom to get a piercing is just not something moms need to be doing with their girls. Ths is a way of sexualizing girls and moms seem to be clueless as to the significance these decisions have in their daughters lives.

I have recently attended two weddings where the mom wasn't there, both of whose children were wonderful human beings and deserved to be blessed by their mom's presence. One was too selfish to attend and the other was too drunk to attend. Fortunately, these young adults had a strong support system and could go on with their special day feeling loved. However, they will always look back on that day knowing they had been abandoned by their mom.

It is important for us to act like a mom with our children. It is okay if we are not cool or take stands that clearly communicatie values. It is totally appropriate to love our children with tattoos, piercings, etc. What is not okay is for us to take our minor children to places that have permanent decisions that will last for the rest of their lives. This isn't about tattoos and peircings. It is about the behavior of a mother and the way she conducts herself with her children. I know you understand what I am saying and I am preaching to the choir. However, your children may have friends whose moms fall into this category and if this the case, be loving and patient with those friends because they will long to have a mom just like you.

Always,


Catherine

March is not only a month but it is an action. It means to move forward with determination and structure. It also begs a question to moms: To whom do you march?

Allof us have something, someone, or some belief that makes us get up in the morning and move. Whether it is out of love, obligation, responsibility, or some other significant factor, we all act on or for someone or ourselves.

I think today's current events is a wonderful time for us to reflect on what makes us do what we do and are there things in our lives are need to reprioritize. challenging times are wonderful opportunities to examine whether we are living out our beliefs or whether we are reactions to the crises of life.

Children know when all is well and their behavior will reflect their anxiety. However, we do not have to live in a panic state because our lives may be changing drastically.

When Tiff was in middle school we were experiencing a difficult time financially. I bought groceries daily and put $5.00 of gas in the car at a time. (Gas was not so high then).

One day I picked her up from school and she said, "Mom, you want to hear something funny?" Of course I said yes. "Tee kids at school think we are rich," she said. We both laughed and I said, "Why do you think that is?" Without a blink of the eye, Tiffany said, "Mom, being rich isn't what you have in the bank. It is how you think and it is what you have inside."

I also ran off the road. Her insight was amazing and conviction of her value appeared to be dependent on that truth. I was so thankful she had the awareness she was so much more than material possessions.

I am sure we all want to do the right things with our kids or you wouldn't be reading blogs on motherhood. Let me encourage you to step back and see if your values are relcted in your mothering. Are there some tweaks you can do to improve or are there changes that need to be made that will help you ensure you will raise your chidlren with no regrets? Now is the time to make the changes to ensure you are being an intentional mom.

Always,

Catherine

For the last several days we have heard about the octuplets that were born in California. This is a mom who had six other children at home and now finds herself in a situation where she is a single mom of fourteen.

People all over the country are outraged at her and are becoming angry that she has intentionally birthed this many children. The media, professionals, and other mothers are voicing their bewilderment over why and how a woman could put so many children in jeopardy.

Regardless of how these children got here, they deserve to be loved and valued. Children should not be punished for their their origin, especially if we believe God is the giver of life. In moments like these, it is important that we not lose sight of the bigger picture: Children deserve to be respected, nurtured, loved, and blessed. While there are unique circumstances surrounding these children, they are children who don't need to carry the burden of rejection, scorn, or judgment.

I hope that as a culture and a nation we will have compassion on these little lives who will always have an asterick by their names and will rarely be viewed as individuals. It would be a great gift to this mom and these kids if we prayed for them instead of condemn them. Won't you join me in this?

Always,

Catherine

I recently had the pleasure of visiting some friends n Atlanta who have three chidlren. Their ages were 3, 5, and 8. All of them were so precious and delightful to be around.

When it came time for dinner, the father asked who wanted to pray. The three year old raised his hand. We all bowed our heads and this little guy said volumes in his prayer.

He prayed for everyone by name and gave thanks for the things in his life. THe songs he sang, the new dog he had just received at Christmas, and eveything in between. Sometimes he would repeat himself, just making sure he had remembered everyone.

He was too small to know me when he had lived in Florida. However, he thanked God for "mommy's best friend" several times. He didn't know my by name but he knew me by the value his mom had given me. I was touched in more than one way by his prayer and it taught me something I want you to know.

Our children will value what we value. There is no doubt our children hear things we have no idea they hear. If we want to know what they know about what it important to us, we might want to listen when they talk to God or for that matter, when they talk to others about us. Children are little sponges who soak up everything around them. Maybe it would be helpful if slow down a little and see what is it our lives are communicating more than our words.

What do you think your children know about what and who is important to you?

Always,

Catherine

What did you learn from 2008? This is a question I think every mom needs to answer before she gets too far into 2009. Dont' you want to be a better mom this next year than you were in the last one? To do so will require that you take a little time to reflect on what you learned about your children, yourself, and the things in which you place your faith.

As mothers, we expect our children to learn and retain the lessons we have taught them from year to year. In fact, we get a little frustrated with our kids when they regress or fail to heed the lessons we thought had been ingrained in their minds and hearts.

The truth is that moms can fail to learn lessons and forget criitical truths as well if we are not intentional in our own growth, understanding, and awareness. Too often, we are so focused on what we think our kids should be that we forget to pay attention to who we should be.

I think a New Year is a wonderful gift to a mom. It feels as if we can get a fresh start with a new beginning if we will take the time to reflect and grow. What would you like to do differently this year as a mom? Is there a particular child you need to pay special attention to because you have a nagging feeling in your stomach you are missing something? What buttons get pushed quickly that frustrates you with yourself? What did you do well as a mom this past year?

Questions like these are very important and extrememly helpful for moms who want to continue to grow with their children. Don't be scared to examine the tough questions because they will only serve to make you a better mom and your children will be blessed because you modeled for them emotional maturity and high self-esteem. Healthy moms can look at themselves honestly and move forward with hope, determination, and courage.

Let this New Year be a healthy one and walk into it with the expectation you will be a better mom than you have ever been.

Always,

Catheirne

Holidays are times for family gatherings and activities. Change typically acompanies all the celebrations as well: routine, eating habits, family rules, etc. As adults, we undersatnd they are just temporary and in a few days, all will go back to normal.

Children are a different story. Little ones have no sense of seasons or time. They only relate to the present moment. As a result, a change in routine or any other pattern in their lives will mark a challenge to their rhythm. Moms need to pay attention and add some additional patience to their Christmas list because they will need it deal with their kid's uncertain times.

Children feel the stress we feel. It is a fact that how we go, they go. So you may want to look at ways you can keep yourself in check and maintain balance as you enter the next 6 weeks. There will be more meltdowns, late nights, and interrupted schedules as you go through the holidays and your chidlren will reflect them back to you by being a little more tired, whiney, and impatient. Just remember this is a phase and see it as a result of the holidays. Maintain as many of your rules as possible but do so in a manner that is respectful.

Thanksgiving is a good place to begin. Pay attention to how your children handle this week and see what you can learn about them. Intentional moms are thinking moms and this is an opportunity for you to really study your child and see what you can learn about the way they cope with change.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Always,

Catherine

Edited: 11/25/2008 at 06:54 AM by catherine.hickem