I have two nieces that are just precious. They have taken two differnet journeys in life and both have shown me the signifcance of a mother's love and the impact of what happens when it is gone.

My sister-in-law Debbie died at the age of 48, leaving my niece motherless at the age of 18. Aubrey had just started college when her mom died and had been preparing herself for her mom's death for over a year. Having lived with a mom who had dealt with cancer for over 10 years, Aubrey understood how precious life was and it has greatly contributed to the way she values family and relationships.

Holidays are hard for her because she knows her mom will never share them with her again. She has grown through this loss and grieves what she misses in a mom. The small things they use to do, the little "girly" things they had in common, and the simple love between a mom and daughter are greatly missed. In spite of her loss, she continues to grow and become a wonderful young woman.

I have another niece who is also amazing and wonderful. I wil change her name to Chelsea for the purpose of this blog. Her mother is still alive but for all practical purposes, she might as well not be. She walked out of her daughter's life when she walked out of her marriage. Chelsea was in her early twenties, working full time and carrying full load academically when her mom said the 30 year marriage was over.

Chelsea has spent the last six years working on healing, growing, and tying to have a rlationship with a woman who cannot be anything but th object of her own affection. I have held Chelsea at her wedding as her tears flowed because her mother could not put her own selfish needs aside to attend. I have listened to the doubts in her voice as she encounters the challenges that come with life and living where a mom would have been the best counsel. While I have been privileged to walk the journey, I grieve for both of them because of blessings lost.

I share my story with you because I want you to understand how important you are. Both of my nieces would give anything in the world to have a mother who they could turn to, embrace, and hear their voice of love and encouragement. Whatever you do, don't ever quit or minimize the relationships you have. Little girls grow up to be big girls but what will never change is their need to be loved by their mom.

Always,

Catherine

I need to say this. You probably don't need to hear it but I still have a need to say it.

When we become moms, we have a tendency to put the child first and the dad second. This may not seem like a big deal and many times we think that dads simply need to pull up their big boy pants and grow up. But I must say I don't think we appreciate their position.

When a man becomes a father, it is usually an exciting and overwhelminb experience for him. He may not talk about it but he will feel the additional weight of responsibility on him. On top of that, he will lose his wife.

Dads immediately take a second place position to a new child and it is difficult for them to handle if moms fail to make them a priority. As women, we have a tendency to minimize this change in the marriage and think things will get better with time. They will improve only if the wives take the time to remind the husband and dad that she has not lost sight of who he is and what he brings to her life as a man and husband, not just a father.

Moms will help make fathers more comfortable with their relationship with their kids if moms will recognize his need to be valued by her. Let's not forgt the dads were in our lives long before the children were and we need to keep them valued in order to create a foundation of stability, hope, and value.

Always,

Catherine

This Sunday is Father's Day and I am sure you might be wondering why I would be writing on that holiday when this is a blog for moms. I write about it because honoring your child's father is one of the most respectful things you can do for your children.

Notice I said "your children".

Don't get me wrong. I believe it is the honorable thing to do for the man who is your child's father. Regardless of the relationship you may have with their dad, it is time for you to realize this is THEIR father and you owe it to your chidlren to demonstrate honor and respect to him.

This isn't about whether he deserves it (which he probably does).

This is about loving your children well and realizing what lessons you are teaching them.

This is about who you are and your ability to be selfless on behalf of your children.

This is about integrity and knowing you are making choices that will allow you to have no regrets when they are grown.

Every child needs a dad and regardless if he is fathering the way you want him to, he is your child's dad and their will never be a more important male in his or her life than their dad. Boys and girls want to respect the man they call dad and it is important to remember they will compare all males to their dad.

While your children may not be able to fully appreciate your thoughtfulness at the moment, it will not go unappreciated in the years to come. Your stock will rise in their eyes and their hearts as they realize how you affirmed their father.

So when the holiday is over, I hope you will sleep well because you took the time to celebrate your children's dad.

Catherine

Here is a question for you: What are the five most frequent phrases you heard your mother say when you were growing up? Sit with this thought for a while and see what surfaces.

They may be negative or positive.

They may bring warm memories or painful reminders of hurtful words.

Whatever they are, you remember them.

Now let's try this: What are the five most frequent phrases your children hear you say? If they don't come to you quickly, ask your chidren what those phrases are. Don't argue with them if you don't agree. This is about listening and learning.

The reason this exercise is so important is for you to understand the power of your words. Too often we minimize our impact and fail to recognize how important our words are on a child's mind and heart. Think about the feelings that surfaced as you reflected on your mother's voice making her comments to you.

What do you want your children to remember about your voice in their head when they are older?

How siblings treat each other is often taken too lightly. While some bickering is a natural reaction to people living together and sharing the same space, some arguing can be very damaging. It is important to use their times of agitation to reflect on what the real issues are in the relationship between your children.

I have observed that most of the time when siblings are not getting along, one of two main things are happening.

The first source of tension usually has nothing to do with the sibling but has more to do with the amount of time each child has with a parent on a one-on-one basis. I have found in my 25 plus years of working with families that when children feel they are getting personalized time with their parents, the sibling tension seems to reduce significantly.

My children are close in age (14 months apart) and it was easy to relate to them as a pair than as individuals. However, I learned early on that life was going to better for all of us if I made the time to relate to them as individuals. My childen are very different in almost every way possible so for me to do them justice, I had to spend time with them alone. I am glad they were so different becuase it stretched me as a mom and a person. I think the bigger blessing is that it allowed me to know each of them more intimately.

The second big reason for sibling rivalry is comparison between children. When you have an over-achiever, the non-overachiever is going to be resentful because he or she will always feel like they will never be good enough. This creates resentment and jealousy. Or you may have an academic child who is jealous of the athletically inclined because dad may pay more attention to the sports child because of his own interests and needs.

Pay attention to how you affirm your childen. It is better to affirm effort in an area than outcome. For instance. to tell a really smart child you are proud of their "A" report card when it wasn't difficult for them to achieve sends the wrong message to the child who works really hard but doesn't match up to the higher achieving child. It is okay to affirm the smart child but be sure to recognize and aprpeciate all the effort your other child invested. That way you are rewarding character traits like perseverence, diligence, etc. This will serve the child well as he grows up because it will teach him you are proud of him for working hard and sticking wit the task.

Appreciating your children for who they are instead of what they do will always lead to a stronger foundation of healthy self-esteem and will most likely reduce jealousy and sbiling problems. Reflect onyour own sibling relationships and see what you can learn from your own experience.