By Jennifer Arnold

So you’re sitting at the table with your very well-behaved, straight A, almost seven-year-old having an after-school snack when she hits you with it, “Mom, can we go today to get some of that glitter eye stuff?”  If you haven’t been faced with this dilemma just yet, your turn could very well be right around the corner.  Do you know how you would respond… after you’ve caught your breath and picked your jaw up off the table? 

Perhaps you are confident that you will simply say “No, that’s not appropriate for you at this time,” and move on without contest.  Keep in mind that there is a bounty of things, -- beauty products, games, dolls, music or movies -- that your child is going to want to sample and we must not underestimate the pressure of pester power.  It’s one thing if they are asking for a new toy, more legos, art supplies, or other items that are on your approved list.  However, what seems to be more and more prevalent these days are children requesting things that are too mature or simply out of line with your family values.  When they start wanting things that are outside your bounds of decency incessantly at 5:00 when you’ve got all four burners going on the stove, it’s time to amp up the armor. 
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Here are a few points to consider when you are faced with these requests:

•    Teach your children the morals and values that are important to your family.  Many of us assume that our children will sort of “inherit” our value system.  But because morals and values are such intangibles, we need to make it a point to actually teach children what they are and, more importantly, why we value them – it is one of the most important things we can teach our kids.  At the same time, it is critical that a child recognizes the value of having a family. That family is a support system, we believe in each other, we respect each other and we are always there for one another.
Knowing that they have a firm foundation, a safety net and people that will always love them at home helps to build confidence and self-esteem.  If a child understands the values and why they are important to your family, then she is more likely to understand when you feel that a toy or doll does not uphold those same standards.

•    Know your role in the parent-child relationship.  Who is the boss here, you or your child? Young children are still developing a sense of self-control.  They are looking to us as parents to rein in these inappropriate impulses.  They are testing us and asking if we know where the limits are and, believe it or not, they feel much more secure when the rules are enforced.  When the rules are lax or there are no set boundaries, children actually feel as if parents do not care and because these parents tend to be more of the “indulgers” and “friend-parents,” marketers prey on them as easy targets.  Be strong and firm, have clear, fair guidelines when it comes to purchases and do not waiver.  

•    Set a good example.  From a very early age, our children are watching, listening and observing our every move.  They take it all in and start to process it into what becomes part of their perceptions and reality.  As mothers, it is important that we recognize that we are our daughter’s first and most potent role model.  Consequently, we must be aware of the way we dress, the way we eat, what we watch, read and listen to as well as what we perceive to be important.  For example, if we are constantly talking about money with children present, whether we’re discussing not having enough, needing more or someone having too much of it, our children begin to develop their own perception that money must be very important.  Similarly, if we are always dieting or fixing ourselves in the mirror, our children start to feel that the way we look is important.  While we cannot stop our children from growing up, we can help to build the frame through which they see the world.  So next time you drop the chicken casserole all over the kitchen floor, try to laugh…and then order a pizza – your children will observe how you cope and deal with mistakes.

•    Know what your kids are into and why. We are so busy as parents that we often don’t take the time to understand our child’s world.  They want a toy, we buy it and off they go – sometimes we don’t even know who the character is or what it does.  If you buy a new toy for your child, engage with them and watch how they interact with the toy.  When your child really wants to buy something, there is always a motivation for it -- find out what is driving them to want that particular item.  This is particularly true for older children.  For example, your daughter wants a particular headband and you dig deeper to learn that a girl at school has the same one, which means your daughter wants to feel like she fits in.  When your child starts to request things that you do not approve of, find out why she wants them.  If she’s really into clothes, find out why?  If she wants a halter top because everyone else is wearing them, then it’s time to discuss your family values. It’s important, however, to be careful not to close the door completely and leave room for discussion so that she is still comfortable coming to you with these requests and does not go behind your back.  Perhaps you can both agree on a more age-appropriate version of what she is looking for.  You may also find that she has a real passion for fashion.  Encourage her to explore this interest further. Get her to sketch some designs, then take her to the library to find books about the fashion industry or get her a sewing machine so that she can practice creating her own line.  Find out the things that your children really, really like – these are the interests and activities that will truly start to define them as individuals.   

•    Be extremely aware of your child’s media consumption.  Television, computer pop-ups and video games are laced with promos and filled with images that make lasting impressions on our children.  Keep televisions, computers and video games out of your kid’s bedrooms and make it a rule that all screen time takes place in family areas.  Sit down and watch their shows with them.  While it is very tempting to use the tv as a sitter when you’re making dinner or helping a sibling with homework, make sure that you know what is on.  Don’t assume that all cartoons are created equal - many of today’s cartoons seem to be created more for grown-up with adult slang and humor – and what’s on one channel may be completely different than what’s on another.  As you’re watching your child’s favorite show with her, watch the commercials as well and begin to explain the difference between entertainment and marketing, and why these products are being advertised during her show.   If your children are too young for this interaction, you may want to limit their viewing to only non-commercial channels or pre-selected DVDs.  In addition, if you do not allow your daughter to wear certain items of clothing, yet she watches a program with mini-skirt clad teens, you may be sending mixed signals.  Try to stay clear on all fronts when communicating values from what they see, hear, wear, etc. 

•    Provide opportunities to let your kids be kids.  In today’s world, kids are saturated with media images of who they are supposed to be - causing turmoil and an inner conflict between child and pre-teen.  Like a six-year-old who yearns to be a teen popstar, but yet still loves to make Play-Doh pancakes.  This classic see-saw scenario takes place in the fragile mind of many pre-adolescents and if it goes unnoticed by parents, the media and peer groups eventually win out in determining who they are.  But if children are given ample time to be just kids, and are encouraged to have a childhood full of wonder rather than rushing to the next big thing, they will enjoy being a child and prolong that experience.  So, let them play dress up, or build spaceships out of boxes – better yet, get on the floor and do it with them.  Knowing that you approve of and will join in with this kind of imaginative play will make your child want to be a child more often and she will realize that this is more fun than “longing” to be a teenager.   

•    Allow your kids to make choices at an early age.  Making everyday decisions such as what to have for breakfast, what bedtime book to read, which coat to wear outside, etc. is a powerful way for your child to build confidence and self-esteem.  Making these decisions in small doses and having a little control over their lives helps children to not feel overwhelmed when faced with bigger choices on a much larger scale.  In addition, talk about the consequences of good choices and bad choices – those that your child makes and those that you both observe in others.  Developing this skill at an early age will equip them for the later years when decision-making becomes more serious. 

•    Do all that you can to ensure that the power of family life outweighs the power of the peer group. While all families today are busy, often with both parents working outside the home, it is critical to make family time a priority to show your child that family always comes first.  Create traditions like family game night or movie night at least once a month to help bolster your child’s self-esteem.  As your children get older the influence of their peer groups get stronger and stronger. Once in the later years of elementary school, kids have established a sense of self in terms of school work and behaviors, but are more socially aware and constantly trying to find their place.  They are not sure who they are, not sure of their sense of style, so they seek out those kids who appear to have it together and try to imitate them. A confident child will be less likely to cave under peer pressure and go along with the crowd in trends and fads.  Family night is a great time to talk with your kids and an even better time to listen, listen and listen some more. Keep the lines of communication open so that when your child needs to talk, she knows you are there.  While your 12-year-old may roll her eyes when you remind her that it’s BINGO night, rest assured that deep down she finds comfort in it and the tight bonds of family you have created. 

Jennifer Arnold is a freelance writer who contributes to major publications. She resides in North Carolina with her husband and three children.