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By Lisa Shaw

Do you find that you are the one that seems to say “no” to a lot of the activities your middle-school aged child wants to do?  Whether it is boy/girl dance parties in 6th grade or group dating in 7th grade, there are a lot of new social issues you will face as your child moves into middle school.    

There are a lot of parents out there who let their kids make a lot of their own decisions related to socializing.  In many cases, the parents go along with these decisions even when the decisions most likely are not in the best interest of their children.  Why you might ask?  Very strong parental peer pressure.  No one wants to be the “bad guy”.  Your child may argue with you, “Jessica, Tina and Summer’s parents let them go!”  You will find out in many cases this will be true - you may be in the minority of parents that are trying to protect how fast their kids grow up.   Parents that don’t want to be the “bad guy” often try to validate their own decisions by trying to persuade other parents into allowing their children to do the same things.  “You have to let go at some point,” and “Don’t you trust your child?” are common arguments you may hear from these parents.

You may find yourself truly being one of the few parents who is consistently saying “no”.  Parental peer pressure is very real and you need tools to help you stand strong for what you believe is best for your child.  Here are some tips for standing strong:

• Be your child’s parent, not their friend.

Many parents these days are more concerned about being their children’s friends than they are about being their parents.   They don’t want to be the “unfun”/ “uncool” mom or dad.  Kids have a lot of friends - what they really need is parental guidance.  Research has shown that parents are the single most important influence on their child to smoke, drink or do drugs, yet many parents do not understand the extent of their influence.

• Listen to your parental instincts.

If letting your child participate in something (i.e. go to a party, stay overnight at a hotel) does not feel right to you, don’t go along with it.  You know your child better than anyone else.  It is not uncommon for children to make poor choices when they are with their peers.  Be sure to not have your child participate in activities you feel they are not socially ready for.

• Don’t let the middle school your child attends make your decisions for you related to your child’s social development.

Many middle schools, especially private middle schools, take the children on overnight field trips.  If you are not comfortable sending your child on a 3day/2-night school trip because there are too few chaperones, don’t give into the pressure.  Stand your ground.   Let the school know that you do not think the activity is appropriate and why.  Explain to your child why are you are not comfortable with the trip and give them some fun alternatives that are more age appropriate and that offer more parental supervision.   Be careful to explain that you are not trying to discipline them, just protect them from situations that might be inappropriate.

• Prepare yourself for conflicts that will arise as a result of your decisions.

If you have to tell your child “no” to whatever they want to do, anticipate their negative reaction.  Protecting your child and their innocence is one of the most important things you can do for your child.  Remember that they are not going to always be happy with your decisions, but in the long run they will know that you love and care about them.

• Find allies.

It may feel like all the other parents out there are simply going with the flow but don’t give up.  While you may be in the minority, you are probably not all alone.  Seek out other like-minded parents that are seeking to slow the speed that children are growing up.  When kids try to tell you “everyone else is going” it will be helpful to know ahead of time who is also not allowed to participate in the activity either.  For example, if your child receives birthday party invitation that requires you to sign a liability release to participate, call around to other moms of kids who are invited to see if they are going to allow their kids to attend.   Then when you say “No” to your child, you can say “No, and I know that Mike is not allowed to go either.”

• Offer substitute activities with more parental supervision.

If your child wants to go to the movies with a group of children and you are not comfortable with the idea of group dating, offer instead to pick a night and invite the kids to come over to your house for pizza and a movie and offer to give them some space.  This way you can allow them the freedom to socialize, which is important at this age, while also keeping an eye on them.

• Remind your child that you are not disciplining them but just doing your job by protecting them.

Be sure to point out to your child that you trust them.  You are trying to protect them just as you did when they were a toddler and you didn’t let them run around outside alone.  Nothing might have happened then, but why take the chance?  Setting boundaries for tweens and young teenagers is both appropriate and necessary.  When you can, let your child prove themselves in situations that you feel comfortable with so that they can build their trust with you.

Lisa Shaw is a marketing consultant and mother of five.